Many of us in these situations learn to fly under the radar. From changing your secret boyfriend’s name on your phone to “Jyoti”, or having to go to lots of study dates with “Sarah”. All while needing to tell the real Jyoti and Sarah the truth in case they were cross-examined.
Uppma Virdi with her husband and parents on her wedding day.
Step 3: Work on yourself so that no-one can say no to you
I started losing hope. There were no examples in my community of successful interracial relationships. Daniel and I had just graduated as lawyers and decided to bunker down in our respective cities and spend the next few years focusing on our careers, all while I prayed to Project Faith. After a few years practising law, I left the legal life to start my own business, which became a good cover for when aunties called my mum asking for my hand in marriage for their aspiring sons. I kept saying “no, let me focus on building my business”, until one day I cracked. I’d had enough of living two lives. I gave my parents an ultimatum: “Meet him once, if you don’t like him, find me someone as good as him.”
Step 4: Introduce the families and give respect to both cultures
Of course, they loved Daniel. After the first few meetings, things moved fast. One moment I was anxious about holding his hand in public, the next he was sitting in my family’s home having dinner. It was surreal. In North Indian culture, there’s a ceremony called Roka. The word “Rokh” in Punjabi means “to stop”. The Roka ceremony is a celebration where both families get together and announce that these two are promised for each other and other proposals are to be stopped.
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My family finally saw that values such as respect, integrity and the love for family were not specific to your heritage. Being in an interracial relationship is something quite beautiful; you and your family are always learning the layers of the other’s culture. You also question why you do certain things, which adds to the learning. From language to festive events to diverse foods, it is a journey full of new adventures.
Step 5: Get married
A year later, we got married. Indian weddings are a communal festival. With many events full of song, dance and feasting, it is a joy. Coming from a Sikh background, we got married in a Gurdwara (Sikh temple) and Daniel grew his beard and wore a turban! There was a moment when I was sitting next to him in the Gurdwara and I thought, wow, I’ve run around here as a kid, gone to Punjabi school and created so much community here. Now, I’m getting to marry my love in front of the same community I tried to hide him from. Somehow, I had avoided an arranged marriage with my family intact.
Some people want to have an arranged marriage, and it works for them. Some people have families who don’t mind who they marry. In my case, I wouldn’t change a thing. When there’s only one accepted way of doing something, there will always be fear in taking the unknown path. But, I’m proof that you just need one person to change the cycle.
Uppma Virdi an entrepreneur and the founder of Chai Walli.
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