Lucy Banks has been with her partner for two years and says that navigating their opposing political opinions has been a challenge. She is progressive and a fierce feminist, while her partner is much more conservative and has expressed support for Donald Trump.

Early in their relationship Banks struggled to reconcile that their values aligned, while their politics didn’t. It challenged many of her assumptions about romantic relationships.

“There were times conversations got so heated that one of us would have to walk away or leave the room,” Banks says. “I think it initially brought up red flags for each of us.”

Since establishing ground rules for navigating conflict, their differences have provided opportunities to set a positive example of healthy communication for Banks’ teenage son.

“We don’t avoid discussing our differences, and if it comes up, we talk about it. He’s got a heart of gold and wants the best for people, and that’s why he takes an interest in politics. He just sees things differently because he’s walked a different path, but we both have the same values.”

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Banks’ experience is indicative of a wider trend in Australia. According to a study by Flinders University, more people are willing to date outside their political alignments than they were 25 years ago.

The study found that Australian women have been steadily shifting to the political left for some time, with the Coalition in the 2022 federal election receiving the lowest share of the women’s vote in history. While women shift to the left, men’s political views remain stagnant.

The growing political divide

Politically mismatched relationships could become more common if political views continue down divergent gendered paths. In the US, 30 per cent of people are in romantic relationships with people who do not share their political views.

While this dynamic can work, a partner’s political views can have real-life implications on gender role expectations, the division of domestic labour, child-rearing responsibilities, and financial decision-making.

Hannah*, a 24-year-old psychology graduate from Sydney, has experienced friendship and relationship breakdowns because of political differences.

“I had a slow falling-out with multiple male friends because they tended to be a little bit more right leaning or socially conservative,” she says.

She broke up with her ex-boyfriend for similar reasons, with his remarks about her queer friends driving a wedge between them.

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“If you’re constantly a little bit uncomfortable walking away from hanging out with your partner or close friends, it just grinds on the relationship over time, and that’s been my experience.”

To avoid these scenarios, psychotherapist and marriage counsellor Dr Melissa Ferrari encourages conversations about expectations early in a relationship. This will reveal whether a potential partner sees you as their equal.

Ferrari says we need to remember we aren’t friends or partners with people because of their politics, but because we love who they are. Keeping this at the fore of conflicts – instead of leading with pride or your ego – is the most important step.

“Something people don’t realise is that the need to be right can compete with a relationship.”

* Not her real name.

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