Don’t go overseas and take selfies in stunning locations. Your friends will thank you for it.

IMMIGRATION is so hot right now. You can barely look at a screen without seeing something about travel bans, Border Force or Brexiteers.

With so many countries trying to make it increasingly difficult for foreigners to get across their borders, why would anyone bother?

Why would you want to travel halfway across the world, only to spend hours trying to prove you’re one of the “good guys” to some airport official, just to see a few sights and sample some disappointing regional cuisine? Unless you’re a bona-fide, running-from-certain-death refugee, is it worth it?

It’s time for a new kind of travel. Time to bring our time-honoured xenophobia up a notch and stay at home. Because really, what are you missing? Here are some of the best reasons not to go anywhere.

1. REALLY ICKY DISEASES

Australia is well known for its huge array of deadly animals. But when it comes to horrible and disfiguring diseases, we’re pretty good, thanks. You won’t find Leishmaniasis, a parasitic infection causing open sores and permanent scarring, lurking in your lounge room.

There’s no Elephantiasis, a reaction to worms in your lymph vessels that causes massive leg swelling, hanging out at your house. And without river blindness, ebola or bubonic plague on our shores, the chances of going suddenly blind, vomiting blood or having your toes drop off are fairly small.

2. LANGUAGES ARE HARD

If you give someone a “gift” in German, it means you’re giving them poison. If you “fart” in your car in Danish, it means you’re speeding. And if you say “Hiya!” to greet a Turkish person, it’s possible they’ll think you’re calling them a testicle.

Languages are hard, man. It’s like there are different words for everything.

Even so-called “English” works differently outside the comfort of Australia, the land of the long, wide vowel. For instance, if an American invites you to “root for their team”, don’t go rushing into anything. To avoid embarrassment, stay among the people who know what the hell you’re saying.

3. STRETCHING THE FRIENDSHIP

The single most tedious thing you can do when you come back from overseas is to talk about being overseas. Travel stories can be interesting when they involve Narnia or a Hobbit ring, but otherwise they are dull as s**t.

Oh, you visited a museum? Hiked a canyon? Drank an overpriced cocktail? YAWN. Look, even if you bungeed off a bridge or ate grasshoppers, you still came back to the same old life you had, only now you’re jet-lagged, broke and have a phone full of happy snaps that nobody is interested in.

Don’t risk losing friends with your inane anecdotes. Either stay home, or shut the hell up.

4. PERSPECTIVE IS A BITCH

Aussies love a good whinge. If we couldn’t complain about weather, health care, dole bludgers or the price of things, we’d have nothing to talk about. And you know what travel does? Travel gives you some perspective.

It can make you think having a house that isn’t made of cardboard and car parts is actually quite comfortable. It can make clean drinking water look like a privilege. It can make our political processes seem peaceful. DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Leave your passport in a drawer and keep grumbling about the temperature of your latte.

Look, go travelling if you must. Stand in queues. Sit on planes. Spend strange money on shonky souvenirs. I’ll just stay here in my comfy chair, doing proper Australian farts in English.

Shelley Stocken is a freelance writer with a special interest in scepticism and rage-typing opinions on a coffee-stained keyboard. She tweets as @shellity.