Updated July 21, 2017 10:26:35

Photo: Ruth Tucker wants a serious examination of how some Bible teachings can be misused by abusers. (Unsplash.com)

During his frequent violent outbursts, Ruth Tucker's husband would often spit biblical verses at his wife to defend his authority over her.

"Wives submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord," he would say, reciting a passage from Ephesians 5.

During their 19 years of marriage, Tucker's husband, who she says was a respected and "charming" church minister, hit her, punched her and threw her against walls or onto the floor, where he'd hold her down, arms twisted behind her.

"I felt trapped and feared for my life, while outwardly disguising bruises with long sleeves and clever excuses pretending that ours was a happy marriage," Tucker writes in her book, Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope After Domestic Abuse.

Tucker, a seminary professor living in Michigan, told ABC News she is concerned about the response of some of the Australian church hierarchy to reports of domestic abuse in their midst.

In response to an ABC News investigation which has found churches is failing to sufficiently address domestic violence, some church leaders have said more emphasis should be placed on research showing Christian men who attend church regularly are less likely than less-regular attenders to assault their wives.

Advocates say the Christian church in Australia is not just failing to sufficiently address domestic violence, but is enabling and concealing it.

Any suggestion that ministers or other members of the clergy might not commit domestic violence is "ludicrous", Tucker said.

"My husband was a Bible Church minister who frequently beat me — on several occasions in front of our son. He knew neither of us would report him because it would blow his cover and he would lose his job.

"Religion offers a cover for many crimes, and domestic violence is an example — one that most people find too shocking to take seriously."

Tucker said the pushback against reports of domestic violence in Australian churches in many ways mirrored the response she has seen in segments of American evangelicalism.

"Although, from a distance it appears to be more intense. It would be unfortunate if the Australian church became known as a haven for domestic abusers — if a violent man knows his best cover is to find a safe haven in a church, rather than the opposite: that the church has a reputation for being supportive of abused women and seeks to offer a safe haven for them."

Tucker also said she would like to see a serious examination of how some Bible teachings can be misused by abusers.

"Can we come together as a Christian community and recognise that the doctrine of male headship has sometimes been used as a cover to perpetrate violence against women?" Tucker asks.

The link between 'headship' and domestic violence

As an extensive ABC News investigation into religion and domestic violence has revealed, there is an intense debate playing out in Christian churches in Australia and around the world about headship, and what it means for women and men to submit and lead.

Proponents of male headship say it is a form of self-sacrificial love whereby a man, who is the head of his wife like Christ is the head of the church, must also sacrifice himself for and submit to his wife.

But as dozens of theologians, priests, counsellors and survivors of domestic abuse have told ABC News, the idea of male headship is sometimes twisted to justify men's abuse of and violence towards women, and the church sometimes fails to protect victims from this abuse.

Here, Ruth Tucker speaks to ABC News about the "rancorous" headship debate, the role and status of women in the church, and how her faith has helped her recover from years of domestic violence.

You say your ex-husband's perspective on male supremacy and female submission was "front and centre" in his abuse. How did he — a church minister — use scripture to justify his violence towards you during your almost 20 years of marriage?

He often quoted Ephesians 5: "Wives submit to your husbands as onto the Lord", dismissing the fact that the passage begins with with, "Submit yourselves one to another."

He claimed wives should submit from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Sometimes, when I refused to agree with him that wives were required to submit to their husbands, he would throw me down on the floor or beat me or twist my arms until they were black and blue.

He tried to justify his violence by saying that I had provoked him.

Photo: Women should be very careful about getting into a relationship with a man who does not see them as his equal, says Ruth Tucker. (Supplied: Harper Collins)

Wasn't this just a convenient excuse from a violent man?

Absolutely. He had very serious anger management problems and he felt very threatened by a competent wife — though I never tried to pull rank on him because of my competence.

Actually, he was very intelligent and knowledgeable.

Did you believe it was your place to submit, and that this included submitting to abuse?

I believe that husbands and wives (and Christians in general) ought to submit to one another and absolutely never submit to abuse.

Your ex-husband was a "charming man", you say — the only outwardly identifiable trait suggesting otherwise was his "strong opposition to women in ministry and equal partnerships in marriage". Why should this be seen, as you argue, as a red flag for potential abuse?

It is interesting that misogyny is often accompanied by a charming exterior, though in the last few years of our marriage people were beginning to recognise him as an angry man.

I think women ought to be very careful about getting into a relationship with a man who does not see them as his equal.

An individual who does affirm full equality may be very abusive, but he wouldn't have any "headship" scriptural support for his violence (if he affirmed gender equality).

How did people respond when you revealed your experience with domestic violence? Did anyone step in to help, or offer it, while it was occurring?

While I was still married to my husband I did not tell people about the abuse except on rare occasions, right near the end, when I contacted a lawyer and asked for advice from a small, select group of friends.

The debate over headship, you write, has become "rancorous" in recent years, and often sounds very "un-Christian". What is at the crux of that debate, and how is it currently being played out?

I believe it is possible to make a biblical case for male headship as well as for equality, though I believe the latter is far more true to the broad theses of scripture.

Those on the headship side, however, typically accuse those affirming equality of being "liberal" or "feminists" or not believing in the Bible.

I have stated on many occasions and in my writing that it would be much more honest for complementarians (who endorse male headship) to claim that the bible does not affirm male and female equality; rather they say the bible does affirm equality, but they claim it is equality in "essence" or some sort of spiritual equality, not equality as the word is clearly defined.

They are disingenuous and simply give their own definition to a term that has clear meaning in any other realm of society.

Is it possible for married couples to live harmoniously and happily in a complementarian marriage? In other words, can headship work?

I know of people who testify that it works well for them.

I really don't have a problem with how married couples conduct themselves as long as the wife has freedom to willingly abide by the strictures of inequality.

No scripture of any religion features more stories of rape than the bible, you say. What does this mean for women in the church? Or for violent men?

I'm not sure what it does mean for most women or violent men, but it is a very clear warning about the terrible treatment of women both biblically and historically.

Domestic and other violence against women has a very long history.

You taught for 17 years at a theological college where, you say, the role of women in society was a "hot button" and divisive issue among your colleagues. How did this tension manifest, and what motivated you to stay in that job, knowing so many of your co-workers did not see women as their equals?

I tried to accept them at their word that they really believed inequality of the sexes was what the bible actually taught.

I interacted both personally and publicly (in debate) with some of them and I always tried to maintain a pleasant attitude and I didn't take gender kidding seriously when it was in a light-hearted manner.

They were open and honest about their positions, which I find far more acceptable than among those who claim to be egalitarians but do not practice such — a situation that was so prominent among some when I was the only full-time woman professor at Calvin Theological Seminary.

You have known theological professors to assert that a wife who refuses to submit to her husband is at least partly to blame for the abuse. To what degree is blame, shame and guilt a factor in domestic violence?

I have known some such professors/writers. It's a vicious blame game and it is a factor in domestic violence more than we realise.

I often blamed myself, thinking I should not have answered his put-downs or should have simply agreed with him (even when I disagreed), and I was terribly ashamed that I was married to a man who physically abused me.

Shame is a powerful silencer.

My husband constantly reminded me it was my wifely duty to obey his every command. But as the parish priest, he was protected by the church — while I was shunned.

It's not hard to see how other women with similar experiences as you would abandon their religion altogether. Why haven't you?

I have struggled with doubts since I was a young child. I resonate with the man who said to Jesus: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief."

The fact that my husband was a minister who knew the Bible well and could defend his faith while living a double life certainly did not strengthen my faith.

In fact, through the years I've encountered incredible hypocrisy among so-called godly Christians — especially among some who pretended outward holiness.

I don't pretend to be at the top (or anywhere near) of the super-spiritual ladder. I have far more questions than answers when it comes to the Christian faith and I'm suspicious of those who have all the answers.

I also struggle with the phoney Christianity of so many American Christians — those who argue against gun restrictions, who could care less about the environment and a safety net for the poor.

They have made their brand of Christianity and Republican politics one and the same.

What role has faith played in your recovery from the domestic violence you endured?

One of the most important parts of my faith has been music — particularly singing and playing the old hymns that I grew up with.

Also my heritage. It was rather fundamentalist, but not at all politically fundamentalist.

The folks in the little country church where I attended were salt-of-the-earth good people, and their heritage inspires me.

Topics: non-fiction, domestic-violence, christianity, fundamentalism, women

First posted July 21, 2017 08:59:41