Naturally, MyGov has several default HELP options. My first rescue attempt was to speak to someone “in your language”, but it seems English doesn’t count as an approved language by MyGov, though the last time I checked it’s our lingua franca (if you’ll pardon my tongue).

There’s a link which allows people who would prefer to have the questions read out. I presume it’s aimed at the visually impaired, although I wonder if they can actually see it?

Finally, I had to submit to the modern world and send a message to MyGov’s Digital Assistant, a sophisticated robot. Please don’t get me wrong. “She” has a lovely, soothing voice – designed to purr away in a world of permanent sunshine while my mood was getting darker and darker.

There are a string of female voice actors (there may be men, too, but I haven’t come across them) who make a far more profitable living than they ever would strutting the stage speaking Shakespeare to bored HSC students and dowager aunts.

Good on them.

But as far as I can tell, the golden rule of these robo-narrators (and some of them boast their credentials on social media sites as if their names are up in lights on Broadway) is this: The more useless the service you’ve subscribed to – or paid taxes for – the more honey-sweetened and seductive the robo-voice is.

We’ve all heard the lingo that some enterprising PhD candidate must be analysing right now. Future generations will probably understand archaic words like “zounds” and “foresooth”. But how will the children of the 22nd century know that “Your call is important to us” means exactly the opposite.

Or that “Our call centre is experiencing longer than normal delays” actually means “It’s business as normal because our board is obsessed with delivering dividends to shareholders (and bonuses to directors).”

I digress. Let’s call this robo-narrator Mygo. “What seems to be the problem?” she asks.

“I want to speak to a human being,” I reply.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear that. Could you say it a little louder and slower?”

“Yes, I want to talk to a human being!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that either. Could you pronounce the words more clearly?”

“YES, I WANT TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN BEING!”

For the first time in my life a robo-voice reprimanded me, telling me MyGov doesn’t accept abusive phone calls. Then Mygo hung up!

Steve Meacham is a contributor.

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