The Block has become addicted to attention-seeking moneybags.
Who can remember that last time anyone bought a Block house because they liked it and wanted to live in it?
Instead, viewers have had to put up with an unrelatable cavalcade of gazillionaires (including, most memorably, a fake one) who throw cash around like confetti.
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It was kind of entertaining for a while, but in a cost-of-living crisis it’s just gauche, and gross.
Given one team had plans for a helipad on The Block Gisborne a couple of years ago, it’s fair to say the houses have been unrelatable for a while.
Throw in a bunch of showoffs with more money than the average viewer would see in 20 lifetimes monopolising the bidding and it’s really making a mockery of the idea this is a renovating show.
Last night’s buyer of all five houses, Adrian Portelli, has declared this season will be his last. Serial pest bidder Danny Wallis was uncharacteristically quiet, so maybe he’s done too.
If that’s the case the show might have a major problem. If they overcapitalise with the likes of $30,000 barbecues and $200,000 wine fridges they might find few real buyers left when the billionaires disappear.
But that wasn’t the case last night.
In the end, everyone — yes, even Kylie — left happy, with full wallets, but this is The Block 2024, so it wasn’t before a few hand grenades were thrown.
The fighting began, as is Block tradition, at the meeting to reveal the reserve prices and determine the auction order.
For once, the teams weren’t crying over their reserves. The prices were all set at $1,950,000, and with most teams expecting something with a two in front of it there were relieved faces all round (except from Ricky and Haydn who opted not to look at theirs).
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The auction order, on the other hand, was as usual, a s***fight.
Maddy and Charlotte volunteered to go last, and with no other teams keen on taking that spot it was theirs. But all the other teams wanted to go first, with Courtney particularly vehement that first place shouldn’t go to Brad and Kylie.
“We’re screwed if the worst house went first,” Courtney said, prompting daggers and swearing from Kylie.
“That was aggressive the way it came out,” Kylie said.
“We weren’t necessarily talking about your house,” Grant countered.
Reader, they were talking about Kylie and Brad’s house with Courtney later also casting aspersions on the couple’s claim they had more than a dozen registered buyers.
She wants to avoid leaving the auction order to a lottery, claiming it was too high risk.
“What if Kylie and Brad go first. It’s going to f*** everyone up. We know that this 14 (buyers) aren’t real. It’s selfish,” she said. “Right now the public perception of House 4 is not the best. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to say that.”
“They don’t even know who their buyers are,” Grant adds.
Meanwhile, Kylie is uncharacteristically hiding around the corner choosing not to engage.
“Now I’m getting the mean girls treatment that I supposedly gave to them,” she says. “House 2, 5 and 1 are now in a treaty and it felt very scripted and I actually came away from it feeling very attacked.”
With Kylie and Brad digging their heels in, Courtney’s biggest fears are realised as the order goes to a lottery.
Fears unfounded, as it happens, because Courtney and Grant are ecstatic to get their preferred place starting the auctions, followed by Kylie and Brad, Mimi and Kristian, Ricky and Haydn and Maddy and Charlotte.
And it proves an auspicious order, with Courtney and Grant’s house selling for $3.3 million, giving them a $1,350,000 profit.
Kylie and Brad’s place sells for $2.6 million, leaving them with $650,000 to take home to Cairns.
More interesting than their auction though, is the sight of them sitting next to Scott Cam as the auction takes place, after Kylie had previously declared “I hate this man so much” of the Block host before fleeing the show barefoot.
That particular elephant isn’t discussed, though Cam can’t resist a quick dig, saying “Sure you want to stay? Thought so” as the bids climb.
The whole running away down the road, accusations of infidelity, host-dissing episode seems to have been swept under the carpet with no obvious hard feelings between Kylie and Mimi, or indeed between Kylie and The Block itself.
“We’ve been through a lot but we’re very grateful,” Kylie tells Cam. “We’re very appreciative for the opportunity. It’s been a dream, it has.”
The only time Kylie really addresses the drama of the previous episodes is when she alludes to a producer about her past behaviour.
“We’ve been through a lot but we’re very grateful. It was worth it. Unfortunately I was a different person here but we made it.”
Then it’s on to Kristian and Mimi, who do seem more willing to discuss the warts and all behaviour Mimi put on full display during her time on the show.
To quickly recap, she ridiculed her husband for crying, refused to help him with physical labour, partied and drank then slept in while he worked and seemingly flirted with Brad.
In any case, it’s all apparently water under the bridge.
“It was quite the test, obviously we were three months married,” she says. “It kind of broke us but now we’re stronger than we’ve ever been and found new love for each other. That to me is priceless.”
Their house sells for $2,930,000 giving them a profit of $1,030,000.
Ricky and Haydn watch their auction completely in the dark about what their reserve is, discovering after it’s all over that they’ve made $750,000, thanks to a sale price of $2.7 million.
But it’s the late-coming sisters Maddy and Charlotte who leave the biggest winners. Their house sells for $3.5 million, meaning the sisters leave with a profit of $1,550,000 plus $100,000 for winning the show.
It turns out regular Block bidder Adrian Portelli has bought all five houses, using a buyer’s agent for some to cover his tracks.
“That was a message that that was my last appearance on the Block and I thought I’d go out with a bang,” he says.
He may have gone out with a bang, but fans of the show weren’t thrilled with the night as a whole, with many getting on to call the show ‘rigged’, and lament that Portelli just chose who he wanted to win.
MISSED AN EPISODE?
EP 51: Block flirter brought to tears by game-changing act
EP 50: Reason why Block flirter finally reached breaking point
EP 49: Block flirter’s final insult after walkout scandal
EP 48: ‘I hate this man’: Kylie explodes at Scott Cam
EP 47: ‘Taking half and leaving’: Block reunion gets ugly
EP 46: Mimi caught in lies as Block flirting scandal intensifies
EP 45: Block in crisis as Kylie flees, Brad’s ‘flirting’ confession causes uproar
EP 44: Judges slam ‘unAustralian’ backyard
EP 42/43: Teams’ surprise move after nasty Block spat
EP 41: ‘Don’t deal with f***ing liars’: Kylie storms out of Block dinner
EP 40: Block sisters make ‘nasty’ toilet error
EP 38/39: Block foreman’s spray reduces sisters to tears
EP 37: Fury over Kylie’s Block walk off threat
EP 36: ‘Useless s**t’: Judges get brutal on Block ‘peep show’ rooms
EP 34/35: Uproar as team member naps, leaving partner in the lurch
EP 33: ‘Be a man! It’s embarrassing’: Block contestant’s gross sledge
EP 32: ‘Vanilla’ and ‘squashed’: judges issue harsh criticisms
EP 30/31: ‘Devastated’: Why tradies refuse to work on The Block
EP 29: ‘Mean girl antics’: Block sisters bullied after win
EP 28: ‘Competition is rigged’: Furious Block contestant lashes out
EP 26/27: ‘They lied’: Teams turn on sisters, Block’s reputation questioned
EP 25: Why two teams are fighting over hotshot agent
EP 24: Grant, the master snitch
EP 22/23: ‘F. king brothel’: second Block builder quits
EP 21: Grant lets rip on “dog ugly” room
EP 20: ‘Can’t polish a turd’: Block judge lets rip
EP 18/19: ‘Paramount to cheating’: Scott Cam accuses Block team
EP 17: ‘Don’t give a f***’: Block team quits after producer steps in
EP 16: Abusive 1am phone call shocks entire Block
EP 14/15: “Snake … I’m not having you on site’: Block builder fired
EP 13: ‘F***ing walk off’: Block couple’s fight turns toxic
EP 12: ‘Arrogant’: Blockhead goes on a bender, cop huge judge spray
EP 10/11: ‘Rip it up’: Block’s biggest bathroom disaster ever
EP 9: ‘You never listen to me’: Block couple fall apart
EP 8: ‘This has become a joke’: Dan slams popular Block pair
EP 6/7: ‘F***ing wasting time’: Block couple set to quit
EP 5: ‘This has never happened’: Block team caught in fraud scandal
EP 4: ‘Childish, boring’: Block judges come in blazing
EP 3: Block builder already breaking rules incurs foreman’s wrath
EP 2: ‘Who the f**k wants to sleep near their kids?’ — Block couple baffled
EP 1: ‘Not good at anything’: Bathroom fireworks kick off on The Block