With this Oscar de la Renta number Tess McGill, sorry, Brie Larson is saying: "I have a head for business and body for sin". Side note, how did Working Girl not win an Oscar?

Scarlett Johansson's Alaia dress is more fun than a plate full of fairy bread.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an Oscar nominee dresses like a bore in order to look "timeless". Emma Stone in Givenchy follows this trend. The only fun is happening just north of her ankles where she looks like she's stolen the plastic door curtains from a country road house.

Ryan Gosling. Who cares what he's wearing (Gucci) it's Ryan Gosling.

Everyone came as Hally Berry circa 2002. Janelle Monae stole her mesh and floral dress look and Scarlett Johansson has her short hair 'do. So Halle came as Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

Keith Urban. Mate. We need to talk. My boyfriend from year 7 called and would like to know who does your highlights. While the frosted tips trend continues to fade yours just keep getting brighter, brassier and bolder. And for that I love you like the way you love the back of Nicole's embellished Armani Privé dress here. 

Waiting in the doctor's surgery with 15-year-old issues of New Idea is more exciting than Michelle Williams in this Louis Vuitton halterneck, that, coincidentally would have looked on trend 15-years ago. 

Janelle Monae looted Marie Antoinette's wardrobe in this Elie Saab creation that needed wide load pilot car down the red carpet.

Dakota Johnson looks like a tall drink of limoncello in this Gucci number and Cartier jewels. She hasn't come with a date as she's accompanied by security guards watching out for her jewellery that usually lives "in a museum".

Jessica Biel looks like she got attacked by velcro in this metallic Kaufman Franco look. Also the Tiffany & Co feather choker is a little too Coachella for me. 

Octavia Spencer in Marchesa. No ostriches were harmed in the making of this...I hope.

The Alf and Ailsa of a a new generation, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Chrissy in a sophisticated but safe Zuhair Murad gown.

Leslie Mann looks more delicious than the mustard on a Bunnings sausage in this Zac Posen creation.

Karlie Kloss, in Stella McCartney, has come as Gwyneth Paltrow circa 2012. Who then came in Tom Ford.

Lion star Sunny Pawar is here *grabs ovaries*. 

Who says you can't learn anything on the red carpet? Jackie Chan is the proud father of two pandas in China. They are like his sponsor children, via UNICEF, who he supports and now I want him to take all my money and buy them all of the bamboo. 

Singer Sofia Boutella wearing the latest in designer kitchen mops.

Ruth Negga is here early. Smart move as it's just started raining in Hollywood. Valentino would not be happy if this gown got wet, no one likes soggy tomato. She's accessorised with huge American Civil Liberties Union pin, which no one on the red carpet is asking her about. Curious...