My youngest child – my precious baby - never knew her Auntie Tanya. This is hard for me to process, even eleven years down the track. It is so hard for me to process that I have memories of them together, even though Tanya died three weeks before the baby was born. My brain, it seems, can’t do the maths; that’s how improbable it is that they missed each other. My subconscious invents memories to make sense of it all.

When we first lose a loved one, our song is simple. ‘How will I live without you?’ we ask, over and over. Our wounds are open and weeping. We don’t know how we’ll cope with the pain.

But then the wounds form scars, and we learn to live with our new skins, and then, only then, the song changes. ‘How can I remember you?’ we ask. ‘How can I stop from forgetting?’ It is the second song of the bereaved, the song we carry with us until the day we die.

So many people are hesitant to talk about my sister. It is as though mentioning her will remind me that she is dead, and upset my equilibrium when I am so stable and happy. But I never forget my sister, not for a moment, not ever. I carry her around with me constantly. You may not notice, but she is there.

And so I love it when people mention Tanya’s name, because it shows me that they notice her, too. Occasionally I bump into one of her friends, and they casually bring up a memory, and it is like a gift. It is affirmation that she was real and important and that she changed other people’s worlds, as well as my own.

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So if you have friends who have been bereaved, please don’t avoid talking about their loved one. You won’t remind them of their loss, because it is always there. They haven’t forgotten their scar. They just don’t point it out to you.

Instead, strive to reassure them their loved one is not forgotten. Talk about the past. Reminisce. Ask questions about the deceased person’s life. Keep them alive in the only way you can after a person is gone, with your words and your memories and your thoughts.

Notice your friend’s scars. They’re not scary. They are a testament to their love.

And birthdays are important, even after someone has died. There are so many times when we remember the loss of the deceased. On birthdays, we remember their lives.

I love hearing from friends on my sister’s birthday. It makes her present, despite her absence. It reminds us all that she was here. She walked this earth. She was loved, and she loved, and she mattered. And on June 18, I embrace my scar.