Give up on friendships that don’t spark joy. Tippex those names off your birthday invitation list. You are allowed to make new friends and discard the old; it’s just another form of recycling.

Stop Instagramming your “wild swimming”. You’re just going for a dip and it’s no big deal. Same for “getting up your steps”. It’s called a walk. And nobody needs to know.

Stop torturing yourself with regrets. It’s done and dusted, and you’ll never get the chance to put it right. Things I didn’t do when I had the chance – skinny-dipping in Capri, a dinner date with Mel Brooks, samba lessons in Brazil – now those are regrets I still might get a chance to put right.

Stop lying to the doctor about exactly how many units of alcohol you drink a week. They know you have two glasses of red every night. In fact, even right now you’re probably a tipsy bit little.

Stop waiting for your nemesis to apologise. They never will. It’s been four decades now. Bury the hatchet – preferably not in his or her head. (Forgetting feuds is the best thing about ageing. Yes, your memory fades, but on the upside you’ll soon be able to hide your own Easter eggs.)

Stop saying “that’s fascinating” when it’s not, and you’re actually going into a coma of tedium.

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Stop checking for grey in your pubes. Is your male partner checking for grey in his pubes? No, he is not. And anyway, grey is the new black.

Stop declining dessert. Just imagine all those women on the Titanic who eschewed the tiramisu. What do you think they were dreaming about on their cold and lonely life rafts?

Give up Botox. It doesn’t make you look younger, it just makes you look like a startled android – a case of send in the clones. Worse, you’ll only infuriate grieving friends when they tell you that their mum’s just died … and you’re incapable of looking sad.

Stop worrying about wrinkles. Your eyesight is deteriorating; pretty soon you won’t be able to see them anyway.

Stop trying to organise your own podcast. Only dolphins should be in pods.

Stop trying to understand men. You never will. They aren’t just from Mars; they’re from a galaxy far, far away. Why do you think blokes always tell us they “need more space”?

Follow these time-saving tips and you’ll soon have the bandwidth to take up more of the fun stuff, like disco-dancing until dawn and swinging from a chandelier with a toy boy between your teeth. I mean, if not now, when? New Year’s Eves seem to come around faster and faster. Tempus is fugit-ing like there’s no tomorrow, so make right now the best time ever.

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