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The biography field is where their differences shine brightest. Ajar windows into each other’s lives, disclaimers for our bad habits, blind eyes turned to our less desirable traits. It’s all marketing. Little codes to soften the sharp glare of our fatal flaws. A surprising number of them translate without much effort.

Someone with fun uncle energy, who can’t wait to teach your kids to swear, might cop a description such as “Good with young children, if dog-savvy”.

If they’re described as someone who is “highly energetic, best suited to a family with an active lifestyle”, then buyer beware: this person will force you to go running on a Saturday morning.

If you’re socially anxious and looking for an emotional support extrovert to take to parties, like yours truly, keep an eye out for someone with “confident and goofy guy!” in their bio.

But what would they say about me? How far do we need to stretch the euphemisms to make my red flags look like endearing neuroses? Maybe something like …

Czech Longhaired Complainer/Nervous Narcissischund cross

32 years, 8 months

Melbourne, VIC

Genevieve has found her way to the Picky Women with Attachment Issues Sanctuary through no fault of her own (everyone else is the problem, clearly) and is looking for a very special forever home.

Initially quite reserved, she will blossom in a chilled environment (please do not take her to Ikea on a Saturday). She is mostly house-trained, but could use some gentle encouragement to keep her skills sharp (tidy but lets her laundry pile up, and stacks the dishwasher but frequently forgets to turn it on).

Genevieve can be wary of men initially (has historically dated sociopaths) but loves all women (is trying to work through her compulsory heterosexuality). She doesn’t mind small children but would prefer not to live with them (will take a softball bat to the television if her niece makes her watch House of Mouse one more time). She’s a friend to all cats, dogs, and pocket pets (will miss them more than she misses you after the inevitable messy break-up).

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Requiring at least 30 to 40 minutes of exercise per day (or else depression kicks in) and occasional grooming (you will have to talk her out of cutting a full fringe eight times per year), this low-maintenance girl (internalises all criticism, doesn’t know how to ask for help before reaching the point of burnout) is polite, chatty, highly independent, highly self-sufficient, an accomplished backseat driver, and consistently silly.

She has excellent recall and responds to Genevieve, Gen, G, Ginny, Guinevere, Gwyneth, Jennifer, Geraldine, Jellybean, and her siblings’ names.

She is currently medicated for anxiety, but we think she may be able to be weaned off this with enough external validation.

If you know the way to her heart (offering her patisserie and letting her talk about the Russian Revolution, for some reason), she will love you forever.

Opinionated dark-haired women, arrogant and cerebral men who bear resemblance to early-aughts Jude Law, and German shepherds are encouraged to inquire.

No -oodles. No Aquarians.

Do a good deed and rescue Genevieve (from herself) today.