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Begin by imagining: “How are you going to feel about this tomorrow morning?” Anxieties often seem less severe in the light of day.

The time period could also be further into the future. Will the fact that you stumbled a few times during your big presentation today truly matter three months from now?

Another way to practice distancing is to avoid first-person language when thinking about something that upsets you.

Instead of saying: “I cannot believe I made that mistake. It was so stupid of me,” someone might gain a new perspective by saying: “Christina, you made a mistake. You’re feeling bad about it right now. But you aren’t going to feel that way forever. And your mistake is something that has happened to a lot of other people.”

In Kross’ research, he found that when people used the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I,” and started observing their feelings as though they were an impartial bystander, it “was like flipping a switch.” It resulted in an internal dialogue that was more constructive and positive than that of the people who spoke to themselves in the first-person. A number of studies have reported similar benefits to assuming a more detached point of view.

Accept what’s good enough

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Curran, who writes about his own struggles in his book The Perfection Trap, explains that he has worked to embrace “good enough” over perfectionism and its accompanying negative thoughts.

With perfectionism it can feel as though nothing is ever “enough”. Accepting what’s “good enough” requires letting go, Curran says. Working nights, weekends and holidays had become part of his identity, but after the birth of his son he scaled back his hours, which became “liberating”.

His past decisions were driven by an anxious need to better himself, he adds. Now, when thinking about how to spend his time, he tries to focus on the things that bring him joy, purpose and meaning.

It’s a philosophy that’s shared by Canadian physician and trauma expert Dr Gabor Maté, who says on a recent podcast that the feeling of being legitimate or worthy needsa to come from within, lest people “sacrifice their playfulness, their joyfulness” for external validation.

Practice self-compassion

In general, perfectionism is usually a survival strategy – it’s “like an armour that you wear” to feel less vulnerable, Sun says. So don’t beat yourself up for having perfectionist tendencies, she adds.

But if that armour is weighing you down, it may be time to thank your perfectionism for its service and move on, much like home organiser Marie Kondo does when discarding possessions, Sun says.

“Maybe you can take off the arms first,” she says, then work on taking off the metaphorical legs. You might want to seek out a mental health professional to help with the process.

“A lot of times I work with people on building that internal safety,” which is the ability to give yourself the validation you need to feel calm and at peace, Sun says, so that one day they can say to themselves: “I accept the way I am today, versus the way that I’m ‘supposed’ to be.”

The New York Times

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