Before my partner Dave and I moved in together two years ago, I proposed that we make a spreadsheet to divide the "mental load" surrounding housework.

This involved assigning specific chores to ourselves, as well as the mental planning that would lead to those chores being enacted. It was incredibly sexy stuff, and Dave absolutely loved it. (He did not.)

The spreadsheet was modelled off an example that author Eve Rodsky made with her husband. Rodsky believes that when it comes to co-living, each partner should take "ownership" over a chore — rather than delegating or doing "half-half" — thereby streamlining the chore and its associated mental load and hopefully preventing squabbles and one-upmanship.

In our spreadsheet, Dave's main chores included cleaning the bathroom, stacking and unstacking the dishwasher, doing the laundry, and taking out the trash. My main chores included cooking, cleaning the floors, car upkeep, and maintaining our social calendar.

During the first year and a half of living together, the spreadsheet worked; we generally stuck to our chores and things ran smoothly. But in the past six months the spreadsheet has changed due to some significant life changes.

Sharing the cooking and food prep

The biggest change has been that Dave and I went from living in a small apartment with a dishwasher and no balcony to a large house with no dishwasher and a backyard.

Another major shift in our household has been that I've taught Dave how to cook — first, by getting him to attend professional cooking lessons that I bought for his birthday and then with just us two at home. When we’ve both been in the kitchen together, I've occasionally had to excuse myself to go do something in another room so that I don't implode watching him dice an onion by slicing it into wedges like an orange.

To me, cooking and food prep is the most important chore in a household because you can't get away with not doing it. 

Most folks can live without doing laundry or having grubby floors for a while, but you can't avoid eating at least three times a day.

So, teaching Dave how to cook has been my way of future-proofing the mental load for those periods when I'm incapacitated — like when I'm sick (I love a supermarket chook and tinned soup as much as the next person but there's only so much of them a person can eat), or on a work deadline, or when we have kids one day.

My hope is that seeing both parents cooking will provide positive role modelling for our kid so that if they happen to be in a heterosexual relationship as an adult, they would share this particular chore equitably with their partner. (TikToker @payalforstyle makes great content about this.)

A longer list for a bigger space

Besides cooking, our list of chores has also expanded since living in a larger space. I've only ever lived in apartments since I left home at 17, so the amount of upkeep required for a house has been challenging.

Past me would have been nervous about dividing the mental load because Dave's previous attitude to his living space was … how do I put this … inattentive at best and unhygienic at worst.  Thankfully, his appreciation for an organised home has led to him willingly taking on more domestic responsibilities.

Letting the spreadsheet go

Over time, we've stopped using the spreadsheet and neither of us "owns" chores anymore; we've naturally struck a balance. But I'm convinced that we only go to this point because we made the spreadsheet.