Children are encouraged to write a letter to Santa, but why shouldn’t grown-ups also express their hopes and dreams? As usual at this time of year, I’m sending mine.

Dear Santa,
Ahead of the holiday season, could you ask the elves to fashion a few toilet doors for use in our motels and hotels? The latest trend, in accommodation both cheap and pricey, is a toilet without a conventional door. It may be separated from the bedroom by tinted glass, or by louvred slats, or by an ill-fitting bamboo curtain. In some cases, it’s separated by nothing at all. Sure, it makes the room look bigger, but what holiday romance can survive these particular sights and sounds? Elves – please get building!

Dear Santa,
When supplying clothes as a Christmas gift, could you simplify the care labels? Global trade means that the most basic T-shirt now comes with a fluttering of care labels stitched into the side, featuring 15 languages and various incomprehensible symbols. A hand plunged into choppy water! A croissant with a giant cross through it! A picture of what looks like a fridge with the number 40 printed on it! And then, nearly always, the final words: “dry clean only”. This, of course, is the “escape all” liability clause for when the garment falls apart on its first wash. If someone made a replica of Ned Kelly’s suit of armour, it would now say “dry clean only”. Santa, this Christmas, could you change suppliers before coming down my chimney?

Dear Santa,
Could medical science do better when it comes to naming common conditions such as sore-bum-itis? This holiday season, many families will drive the whole day to reach their holiday destination. Four hours into the trip, everyone in the car, the driver in particular, will suffer a certain leaden feeling in the buttocks, an ache that must be ignored for the greater good. It’s a bad case of sore-bum-itis, of course, and yet medical science has not yet bothered to identify this common condition, nor to seek solutions. Santa, having spent 24 hours on your sleigh, you may be the one to finally break the silence and demand progress.

Dear Santa,
Could businesses like McDonald’s stop making touchscreen ordering pretty much mandatory? For a start, I can never work out how to use the thing and, for a second, isn’t a tiny moment of human interaction a good thing? You are the one who has popularised the idea of “ho ho ho” and a measure of person-to-person seasonal cheer. Now we need your help to stop the world rushing in the opposite direction. A word from you may make the world a less lonely place.

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Dear Santa,
Can you stop the proliferation of social media sites? Sure, the site formerly known as Twitter is now a sewer, so you sign in to Bluesky and Threads and maybe a Substack or two, alongside the Insta and Facebook you already had, all in the hope of reducing the toxic impact of your social media use, only to discover you now have 10 sites to check and scroll through, still missing out on the one interesting post that (like TV shows on the streamers) is always on the one thing you have yet to sign up for. Better still, can you give me an interesting book for Christmas so I won’t have the time to log onto any of them?

Could you encourage Australians to move on from the phrase ‘the pub test’?

Dear Santa,
Can I have a can of kippers? Or maybe a gift pack of five cans? For a start, I like eating them. Also, I enjoy the scenes of consternation in our household whenever I cook them. Screams of “yuck”, “disgusting”, and “it’s a smell that will never leave”. Even the dog retires to the corner of kitchen, whining. Certainly, it all adds to the pleasure.